Wed 07/11/07
Susan still unable to remember she had surgery or why, but now remembers she's at LBMMC.
We had a family meeting with Dr. Ceverha, who said lab results of tissue from surgery are likely a high-grade oligodendroglioma, a stage 3 tumor that is responsive to radiation and chemotherapy. The sample is being sent to the Mayo Clinic to confirm. We will meet with a neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai this week for his opinion.
Susan's memory is improving. She knows she's missing something, that there's activity going on that she's unaware of, and she knows it – but she can't connect things together. I encouraged her that these are normal feelings, that she's been through a lot; she's making progress and will continue to improve.
Visual impairment – unable to decipher items on bulletin board 12 feet away, unable to recognize large letters/numbers on a greeting card or identify colors of pink robe or blue bed pad.
Thu 07/12/07
We've been reading a devotional each night in Streams in the Desert, a gift from our dear friend Lisa Korver. Each one seems to be written just for us. The 7/12 theme is faith – the strongest trees are not found in the forested valleys under the protection of surrounding mountains. They're formed on the hilltops under the full force of wind and storms. In my one shot at life, I would rather be made strong in faith than stay comfortable and soft. Otherwise, why bother? God shows us His favor by giving us seasons of testing. Suffering is another precious gift that allows us to know Him as in no other way. I will never regret what has happened.
Fri 07/13/07
I was awakened at 3am for prayer and worship. Deep stuff. The term "purchase-living" came to me with Colossians 1:22-23, that we have been reconciled "by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation — if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel." The word "confidence" came with the image of the Lamb that was slain in Revelation 5, along with the image of the Passover lamb in Exodus 12:3 that required an act of faith for deliverance. A mystery: the work is done for us – with our involvement. I also compared "oligodendroglioma" vs "Jesus, name above all names." Like I said, 3am, deep stuff.
After a sobering meeting with a neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai, Randy Romberg, Vicki Gelberg and I wrestled with Susan's limited prognosis. Here is what I know:
- God is in all of this. It's on display; and many people are experiencing it with us. Something really good is coming.
- We are to speak words of life. I push back fear and despair when they approach.
- I resolve to stand with the three Hebrew men in Daniel 3 (above), trusting and believing God for Susan's healing amid the mystery of His sovereign will.
Sat 07/14/07
Susan continues neurological improvement, feeling more with it and acting more like Susan. Some facts are just not there, while other things come back amazingly. She was eating peas with dinner and finished my rhyme from long ago, "I eat my peas with honey, I've done it all my life; they do taste kind of funny, but it keeps them on my knife." Pretty cool.
Thu 07/05/07
Susan began a five-day stay in ICU. We celebrated some initial breakthroughs – she's speaking! She opened her eyes, she was alert, and she was able to have her breathing tube removed in the morning. I asked, "Do you have any pain?" (No). "They took that tumor out" (I have no idea what you're talking about).
We also discovered some initial setbacks – limited vision and impaired memory. Susan evidently had a stroke near the corneal artery (possibly with her seizure on the evening of July 3rd) that affects her right field of vision.
Fri 07/06/07
Even though on Day 2 after surgery Susan was making great physical progress, somehow death was near. With her memory deficit she did not know where she was, or why, and did not know the year or month. She could not remember our children or even that we had any. She expressed concern for me and what I must be suffering for her, which was encouraging.
Later, she said, "It's stubborn sometimes." (What is?) "Whatever needs to give up." (What needs to give up?) "The spirit or soul or whatever." Then she asked, "Who is asking me to give up my spirit?" (Who does it sound like?) "I don't know." (Ask Jesus to show you...Do you want to give up your spirit?) "I don't know..." (If you do, it's ok...) If it's her time to go to Heaven, I need to release her.
I had no idea what to expect next. A while later, when I described our kids to her, she prayed for them. She asked God would allow her to know them and who they are, to give them peace and to help them, to let them see her attributes, to give them wisdom and strength in all they do; to "bless and keep Mike and his family, to guard and protect them in the peace of Christ. Thank you for who they are and for what you will do in them." I wondered again if she was going to die soon.
In spite of her severely limited memory, not only is Susan "all there" spiritually, she's in a deeper place than before. Later she said, "Where's my scripture?" and was feeling around her bed. "Where did I put it?" (Just relax. I think it's hidden in your heart. What scripture are you looking for?) "The Lord is my Shepherd." We started saying Psalm 23 together. Then the woman who couldn't tell me the correct year recited the entire passage by herself. Wow.
Sat 07/07/07
Susan is still poorly oriented (doesn't know year, place, what happened; I reminded her about our children.) We read Mark 10:46-52 about Jesus healing a blind man named Bartamaeus. I prayed for removal of cancer, and restoration of memory and sight. Susan prayed, "Dear Jesus, thank you for your love and grace and thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your mercy. I ask you for your healing and mercy so I can be your witness of your love and grace, so I can be a witness for my children. Thank you for helping me and being with me. Amen."
Mon 07/09/07
Susan's attitude has been remarkable – thankful, upbeat, appreciative for everything.
Our sister-in-law Dorothy sat with Susan for several hours and visited. Susan talked about not having awareness of past or future, leaving her with what's most important – being here, now, with Dorothy. Pastor Harold Korver rejoiced to hear about it, because while most of us are weighed down by the past or worried about the future, Susan has the precious gift of "living in the now."
Wed 07/04/07 am
I arrived at about 12:30am to find her intubated on a ventilator and being moved for a CT scan on the way to the intensive care unit.
Sue's brother Randy came to ICU, and we waited as her vital signs and respirations stabilized, enabling her to have the breathing tube removed, a good thing. She really fought that tube.
She had more limited responsiveness over the following hours – eyes closed, no speech. We were thankful for a grasped hand and wiggled toes on demand. I slept in the ICU lobby for a couple of hours until 6am.
Susan had diminishing responsiveness throughout the day in spite of large doses of meds to reduce brain swelling. Her lethargy increased as she seemed to decline neurologically. Dr Ramin Javahery was the neurosurgeon on call who escalated her surgery from 7/10 to 7/5 pm, then to 7/5 am.
Wed 07/04/07 pm
I went home about 4:30pm to sleep while Sue's aunt Linda stayed by her bed. After an hour's sleep while ignoring the phone, I awoke to the doorbell and loud knocking. Our neighbors told me Sue would be going to surgery immediately and the doctors were waiting for me.
Susan was back on a ventilator when I arrived and was barely conscious. Aunt Linda, our kids, and niece Alyssa were there. I was troubled by Sue's appearance – she was out of it. I prayed for her and the surgeons then joined the family to wait.
Over the course of surgery, about 25 people joined us, waiting in the lobby and gathering to pray and worship in the hospital chapel, not to mention all who prayed wherever they were. That's the Body of Christ for you.
After only an hour and a half, the surgeons emerged with news that they appeared to have removed the majority of tumor while avoiding brain tissue; and Susan was in critical but stable condition. We all rejoiced.
I went back to sit with her in ICU until I went home about 11pm.
Mon 07/02/07
Susan had variable pain over the past few days. Saturday was tough; but she improved Sunday and Monday. We went to church and were surrounded by love and prayer on Sunday.
Tue 07/03/07
Preliminary lab results on Susan's biopsy indicate a stage 2 (early) astrocytoma, a term for a common type of brain tumor or glioma.
The worst day yet – pain in the morning, a 2 hour nap after breakfast, and pain with vomiting 2x by early afternoon. I called the doctor, who recommended we go to ER right away.
As I was helping Susan get out of the car near at the loading zone, I saw her eyes roll back as she slumped in my arms – she was dead weight, totally unresponsive. I thought she was dying, got scared, and kept telling her to hang on, not to leave me. I managed to call for a wheelchair and got her inside. She was barely awake, groggy and lethargic. She had extremely limited speech and was not able to hold my gaze for more than a few seconds. She could respond to verbal cues by squeezing a hand, lifting a leg, extending a foot, etc. Lots of writhing in pain. She was admitted to the neurological ward at about 10pm (same room, same bed as last week!).
I stayed with her as the nurses settled her into the unit for close observation and went home.
I arrived home at 12am and received a call from the hospital – Susan had a seizure and was unresponsive and placed on a ventilator. I rushed back.
