Sun 07/29/07
Susan usually wakes up early and lays quietly in bed until I wake up, sometimes for an hour or two. She might doze off a bit. Mostly left alone with her thoughts in that waking hour, but in an impaired condition, she's been working hard to make sense of the world. I think it's getting easier. She said this morning with a lilt in her voice, "You get some really bizarre thoughts floating through your mind when you have only half a brain."
We gathered at Emmanuel for another amazing worship and prayer service. It was amazing because although only minimally planned, with the masterful direction of the Holy Spirit it flowed beautifully among worship, scriptures, prayer, exhortation, communion, and general crying out to God on behalf of His people. I am in awe and deeply intrigued by the Living God's ability to supply everything necessary for deeply moving, participatory worship from whoever happens to gather as the Body of Christ.
We compiled written notes people received during our three-day fast. The themes
are powerful and well-connected. There is a strong sense that this season of
affliction involves a spiritual battle being waged for the advancement of God's
kingdom into long-held enemy territory, particularly related to our church's
initiative to minister in the City of Compton. In Matthew 11:12, Jesus speaks of
the kingdom of heaven "forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."
While the devil is pushing back against the kingdom's advance by attacking the
people of God, his pathetic defense will be overrun. In Matthew 16:18, Jesus
speaks of Peter's proclamation that He is the Christ as the foundation of the
church, "and the gates of hell will not overcome it."
Against that backdrop, we have the sense we are to love God and we are to love, encourage and care for each other. We are not to fear or despair. Other themes that emerged are confidence in God, trusting God, seeking God, God the healer, waiting on God, exalting God, praising God, hoping in God, remaining in God, having faith in God, having unity, surrender to God, contending in faith, persevering under trial, humility before God. More themes are repentance, worship, warfare, and God's provision. These themes are the basis for the next four days of continual prayer.
Fri 07/27/07
Susan and I went to UCLA Brain Mapping Center for a 10am functional MRI scan. Susan wore headphones and video goggles for interaction while they mapped her brain for areas of speech, motor control, memory, etc.
We went back to Long Beach at 1:45pm to meet with Dr Sonne about Susan's abdominal pain. Her liver, kidneys, and other internal organs look ok, which was my concern. We still don't know the cause of her pain, but it's diminished somewhat, she has no fever; and her blood work is fine.
On the way to UCLA on the 405 freeway near Culver City, we passed the Spanish-language Univision studio with its small forest of 10-12 large satellite dishes on a rooftop. They are arrayed in various directions to send and receive signals at a number of different points in the sky. There are so many dishes up there; I wonder how many communications satellites they're NOT able to access. I thought of my capacity to listen to God. How many "satellite dishes" have I installed on my rooftop? Do I have the sky covered to receive every signal God is sending? Have I learned to listen when he speaks? Am I paying enough attention? Or are my receivers pointed elsewhere to worthless noise?
As I lay on the floor to stretch next to the bed Friday night, our Jack Russell Terrier named Daisy lay faithfully at the foot of the bed just like she does every night. Since I was on the floor and accessible, Jesse the cat approached me. Daisy gave her a low growl. (They have established a working truce that is challenged by occasional skirmishes, mostly friendly. It helps Jesse that she outweighs the dog by about 5 pounds.) I called Jesse over to show her some attention and Daisy stood down the guard. If the alpha male (me, thank you) wants to entertain a vile species, will the dog prevent it?
I thought of the angels that two people have seen near Susan in their visions, and how they're probably always watching over us with unseen power on our behalf. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?" Psalm 91:11 says, "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." How many times has an angel raised his sword in my defense when a foul tempter comes my way – only to have me accept the offer to sin, invite evil to approach and spend a while with it? I realize our sovereignty is one way we are like God. For some reason, He allows us to make self-destructive decisions whenever we want to, I think because He wants us also to be free to give Him our hearts out of that same sovereignty. I wouldn't want to spend eternity with someone I forced to be there, either.
Sat 07/28/08
I woke up and reckoned with the idea that I don't know if my dearest loved one will be alive on this earth in 6 months. Then I realized that's true of everyone.
Thu 07/26/07
I received the Mayo Clinic pathology report faxed to my office – not good news. Susan's tumor is a malignant, grade IV glioblastoma, not the milder grade III oligodendroglioma. The tissue has unusual characteristics more commonly seen with the milder tumor, so it looks like oligodendroglioma. Dr Scheithauer at Mayo is the global expert in brain tumor pathology, so kudos to the LB Memorial staff for getting his opinion. I confirmed the report was sent to UCLA and I forwarded it to LBMMC Neurosurgeon Barry Ceverha also.
I spoke with Dr Nghiemphu, who recommends surgery within two weeks followed by simultaneous radiation and chemotherapy for this more rare and deadly tumor. Experimental clinical trials are usually available for Glioblastoma patients; but not for Susan since she had breast cancer last year – she would need to be cancer free for 3 years. We'll consult with Drs Liau (UCLA) and Ceverha (LBMMC) to decide who will operate.
To me, this is the perfect setup for God to do something miraculous. I believe in Him and His power. Lord, have mercy.
We had a 1pm appointment in Long Beach for Susan's abdominal CT scan. The nurse had difficulty getting a good vein for the contrast solution; but the scan finished quickly.
I truly was rattled by the Mayo Clinic pathology report that revealed Susan's tumor is a grade IV glioblastoma instead of the lesser oligodendroglioma. Several weeks ago, a doctor told me glioblastoma is a death sentence. Mind you, he's one of many gifted and experienced physicians who work in clinical practice focused on known conditions, standard treatments, and probable outcomes. They know more about specific areas of God's creation than I ever will, yet God seems so far removed from their clinical realm. I've had several times where fear or despair have come over me, and I've pushed them away. A time of worship on the 405 freeway brought my focus back to the Living God, God the Healer.
On our way to church for Oasis, I spoke with Susan about the Mayo report, she with her 10-12 inch incision on her scalp, her impaired vision, her vertigo, her muddled memory, and her numb right foot. We talked about the ominous report and uncertain outcome. She believes she will not die yet – that God has work and witnessing for her to do on this earth. And she is not afraid to die. We resolved again that we will not fear, we will not despair, and we will trust God for healing. We will wait on the Lord while we pursue every medical option available.
Oasis was amazing. The Holy Spirit was in charge. Bob & Chris Olson sang over the congregation, then Mitch VanderWal read scripture and we entered into prayers of praise together. I shared our perspective with those gathered, feeling awkward that as a leader of Oasis, so much attention was drawn to my wife while there were other cancer patients in the room who were more unnoticed. Oh well, this is where God has put us, on display. I shared Philippians 2:16-18 and Daniel 3:18. We had a time of deep, emotional worship, turning the focus from ourselves to God. Vicki shared how the Spirit led her to organize the prayer vigil. Ken spoke from the heart and prayed, followed by silent prayer, and more deep worship and prayer. As the night, concluded, Vicki was impressed to pray for healing of Susan's vision. A group of people rallied around with Melanie Gunsolus obediently ministering. When Sue opened her eyes, she was looking directly at Melanie, seeing beautiful eyes instead of just "shiny glass!" And she was seeing colors, not just shades of grey! Thank you, Lord!
Melanie was confident Sue would receive healing when the Holy Spirit came upon her and she felt a "transfer" go from her to Susan, similar to what she's experienced in the past with other healing. Pastor Ken watched our niece Alyssa's face as Susan was healed and described the happiest expression he's ever seen – a mixture of joy, wonder, and amazement. It was holy ground as faith became sight. Thank you, Lord!
Wed 07/25/07
Susan's dad and our friend Vicki joined Susan and me for an 8:30am meeting at UCLA with neuro-oncologist Leia Nghiemphu, one of Dr. Cloughesy's team. She said the MRIs show significant tumor mass remaining that would benefit from another surgery, and a good part of it appears accessible vs sensitive brain tissue.
An associate UCLA neurosurgeon, Dr Liau, uses a wake-sleep method to actually converse with the patient during brain surgery in order to identify and avoid damaging areas for speech, motor control, etc. This would follow a brain-mapping MRI for such orientation before surgery. Impressive.
Dr Nghiemphu will use the Mayo Clinic's pathology reports or do her own for an important test – if the tumor cells are of a particular kind and lack 2 specific chromosomes, radiation therapy could shrink the tumor prior to the 2nd surgery.
Next, we had a 1pm meeting at LB Memorial Radiation Oncology where Susan was fitted with a thermoplastic mask to hold her head securely in place for radiation treatments. The technicians also performed a contrasted CT scan that will be used to plan her therapy. A physicist will run computer models for the oncologist to eliminate trial & error adjustments before Susan ever has her first treatment. Also impressive.
Last, we visited Susan's primary care doctor, Marc Sonne to investigate the abdominal pain she's had for a week. He ordered a CT scan for Thu.
Meanwhile, Dr Julio Ibarra, director for pathology at LBMMC said he would fax me the Mayo Clinic results he had received. He took a personal interest in Susan's case while at breakfast two weeks ago with her brother Randy. "Coincidentally," Randy's company (Cleveland Golf) donates a portion of sales from women's golf clubs for cancer research, of whom Dr Ibarra is a beneficiary. Another blessed connection.
