A bit of a slip

Susan’s had a bit of a slip lately that’s caused enough concern for us to move her scheduled MRI up a week so we can know if she’s had any tumor growth. The past six weeks offered a time for her to finish her kidney stone treatment with smooth results and for me to focus on working as much as possible to try and shore up our finances.  When she began feeling more fatigued and confused a couple of weeks ago, her symptoms seemed to point to another urinary tract infection. We might expect as much after having her kidney stones laser-blasted. But last week’s labs came back negative for bacterial cultures and her symptoms continue, so we must return to the possibility of cancer growth. We know God has sustained us all along and we continue to trust him through uncertainty as we ask for healing. We are grateful for everyone’s prayers also.

We did arrive at an answer for her mysterious headaches last summer, settling on Vicodin “rebound effect,” a form of dependency from long-term use. We’d already dealt with “chasing the dragon,” as our drug dealer – er, pharmacist put it. That's when you need a greater dose of an opiate to get the same level of pain relief as before. I remember when half a glass of chardonnay on our anniversary would make her feel like having a nap, so when the severe pain of brain swelling came upon her in 2007, one Vicodin took care of it if Tylenol didn’t. Four years later, she’s needed two instead. Although her level is way below that of a serious abuser or addict, it’s still chasing the dragon. Evidently, Michael Jackson did this in the extreme.

With rebound effect, long term use of a drug like Vicodin results in a headache not because of a problem like brain swelling, but because she’s not taking Vicodin. For the past month or so, we’ve been in the process of unwinding it by substituting a skin patch coated with a drug called Fentanyl to provide a base level of pain relief. It’s relieved her of taking Vicodin constantly, while Tylenol or maybe one Vicodin now suffice for occasional breakthrough pain. Clearly, medical treatment is a complicated thing. The drugs that meet a need during crisis can become a drawback themselves, as we’ve seen with her steroids as well. I’m sure we’ll need to wean of Fentanyl next.

My mom asked this week whether Susan’s doctors have said anything lately about what might happen next with a patient like her. I said the last time I asked her neuro-oncologist was three years ago or so when Dr Nghiemphu said her prognosis was “guarded.” That’s an appropriate answer since she is neither in remission nor imminently dying. She’s guarded. What Mom really wanted was to ask the questions I had the day Susan was diagnosed: What will happen next? How long will she live? The answers are not answers, they’re just acknowledgements. We don’t know. We don’t know.

“We don’t know” is the stuff of a cancer journey because it’s uncertain by nature. Now to coping with it – God is our ever-present help. Our faith in him and in his good purposes for us actually needs uncertainty to grow and become meaningful. If uncertainty is the stuff of a cancer journey, trusting God through it is the stuff of faith. God’s Word is loaded with examples of people who’ve had to forge ahead when faced with monumental uncertainties, but Abraham comes to mind in particular.

After God had promised to make him into a great nation through his offspring years and years earlier, he found himself a childless old man with an old wife well past child-bearing age. When they finally brought a son into the world in miraculous timing, God asked Abraham to sacrifice the young Isaac on an altar in the wilderness. Talk about uncertainty! To obey would mean taking part in a barbaric act that seemed out of character for a God who esteems human life, and would eliminate the very means for Abraham to become a great nation. What about God’s promise? Yet in faith, Abraham raised a knife in obedience to slay his son. At the last moment, God called off the test. That very act of faithfulness in uncertainty transformed Abraham’s faith into righteousness. It cemented his place as the father not only of a nation but of the faithful.

The point is what we're experiencing is not new in human life; and we’re in good company.A fragile circumstance is an opportunity to yield to the One who is good, has good plans for us, and has a greater perspective than we can see. We don’t know what will happen with Susan, but we know we can trust God along our journey.