Tumor stability: two years

We are grateful for another good MRI this week with no change in Susan's brain tumor and no increase in swelling. Tumor growth is the big issue with GBM, so we truly thank God for over 14 stable scans since her last growth in 2009. Her persistent headache for the past six weeks had us and Dr Nghiemphu concerned we’d see a different result on Wednesday, but we were able to dismiss that notion and focus on what may be causing Susan's pain. 

The answer on pain eludes us for now and leaves her hurting, weary, and frustrated. The scan shows a change in the dura layer which can occur with leaking spinal fluid and would definitely cause headache. Her shunt could have a small leak; or one of last year’s procedures might have caused one. But since Susan doesn’t have the pain typical of a spinal fluid leak, it seems unlikely. We decided to treat her pain for now with a medicated patch that hopefully will provide relief. Susan's ability to handle long-term discomfort with an upbeat outlook continues to amaze me, and makes me glad for the strong woman she is.

Pastor Larry asked for our perspective on peace for a recent sermon. Here are my thoughts:

How to describe the peace of God? Like love, joy, and hope, peace is one of our resources in Christ that is an attribute of God himself. It’s amazing that God shares his traits as ongoing gifts to us. Peace is part of his very nature:  “The God of peace be with you all.” (Rom 15:33)  And like God himself, his traits are as real as they are mysterious. You can’t see peace or touch it, but you can feel it and know when you have it. You can’t buy it, but you can receive it just the same. You can’t get more than you need and you won’t need more than you have, but you can give away all you want and still have enough.

Truly, God’s peace has attended us since the very beginning of Susan’s brain tumor journey in 2007. In spite of Susan being near death only days after we discovered her brain mass, the trauma never overwhelmed us. God’s presence gave us confidence that even if the worst should happen, we’ll be okay. In hindsight, we see how he laid the ground work months earlier when we happened to be taking Psalm 23 to heart. Verse 5 is a powerful image: “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.”

I picture a table set with silver, china, and crystal on a white linen cloth – in the middle of a battlefield. The enemies I fear are there; and there’s every reason I should fear them. But wait – whoever wants to annihilate me has been forced into a cosmic time-out. Whoa. There’s a greater power at work here. And not only does God show up and make it very clear who’s in charge, he wants to have lunch! Obviously God isn’t worried, so why should I be? In all that Susan's been through, God has brought peace to us in this way by helping us recognize our confidence in him.

The truth of another scripture also comes to mind. In Jesus’ farewell speech he said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27)  Worldly peace comes on its terms and with conditions. To get it, we must exert ourselves, change our circumstances; improve our lot. Even if that’s possible, there’s always more trouble on the horizon, so such peace never lasts. 

But God tells us the circumstances don’t matter to him. He takes our eyes off of our situation so we see only him. He meets us there to console and encourage us, to give us peace. Looking back at the situation, nothing may have changed but our perspective. Okay, so there’s the crisis we can’t fix. It’s big. But we know the Living God is with us. His resources exceed our needs. How will it work out? We don’t know – but God does. We just know he can handle it, so we’re going to keep following him.

Although Susan's brain tumor has been stable for two years, it contains aggressive cancer cells. Glioblastoma has no medical cure. She’s outlived most of our brain tumor buddies already, so we’re quite aware of our circumstances. When we think about it that way, it’s easy for fear to take hold. But that’s just another enemy, so God comes near again to remind us our lives our in his hands. We know he loves us, has a plan for our lives, and has a home waiting for us in heaven. This is absolutely what has been sustaining us on our journey. What would we do without God and his peace?

No kidney stone left unturned

We’re thankful Susan's procedure to treat her kidney stones this week went smoothly. She had a ureteroscopy at UCLA that inserts a tube with a camera and a laser through the bladder and ureter into the kidney to break up the stones. With one measuring about ¾ of an inch, her stones were too big to pass and were at risk of causing a serious blockage. It was time to get after them. She handled the surgery and general anesthesia well and had no complications. Blasting away at the stones reduces visibility in there after a while, so she’ll need at least one more treatment. Meanwhile, Susan has a stent implanted temporarily so the bits can pass through. Who knew we’d get to learn so much about kidneys?

Pondering in pre-op. Plus a lovely fashion statement.

This was Susan's fourth procedure at the outpatient surgery center in Westwood, including a port catheter placement and a couple of bladder pacemaker surgeries. I think that makes us frequent flyers. At any rate, we know the pre-op and post-op routine, recognize the nurses now, and are glad to have such a great facility and staff to help us. We trust getting rid of the bacteria-laden stones will remove the source of her frequent infections and improve her health overall.

Meanwhile, Susan has been dealing with mysterious headache for most of the past four weeks and is growing weary of it. We’ve had her blood tested a couple of times in different ways and have ruled out infections like UTI or the signs of meningitis. We’ve had her endocrinologist chime in, who doesn't think it's a problem with her steroid taper. While it’s good to rule things out, we still don’t know why she’s having persistent pain and will need to wait until next week’s MRI and oncology visit. We’ll know soon (but not soon enough) whether she’s got brain swelling or more tumor growth, or perhaps another issue in play. 

As we navigate our brain tumor journey, we still pray all the time, hope for the best, and are ready for anything. We continue to find ourselves in the mystery of God's will. We’ve been working through the hardest thing we could imagine, yet we see God in it and trust his plans for us.

We always hope and are open to God’s healing however he may bring it, through his gift of medical science or by his hand alone. He’s done both for us already. Yet what of prayer? On one hand, we pray with authority and faith and expect his power to meet our need. On the other hand, we know we are sinful beings in a fallen world who practice our faith imperfectly. We know that suffering sometimes attends our lives for reasons we don't understand. We pray always, but sometimes I wonder how we should pray. I wonder why God sometimes heals and why he doesn't. Maybe we’ll understand more in the future. It doesn’t matter. We pray.

Susan and I are keen to know what God may be doing in and through us during this season. What purpose will he accomplish? We’re confident he has one and that it’s marvelous. How might he want us to grow? How might we know him and ourselves better? We’re still a work in progress. We thank God Susan's tumor has not shown any growth in two years, even though she has not been completely healed or restored. She was near death, but is still with us. God has brought her a long way and clearly has shown himself faithful to us in all things. As we learn to trust him more, I keep thinking perhaps he wants us to experience something with him on our journey that may even be more important than its outcome.