Sun 07/29/07
Susan usually wakes up early and lays quietly in bed until I wake up, sometimes for an hour or two. She might doze off a bit. Mostly left alone with her thoughts in that waking hour, but in an impaired condition, she's been working hard to make sense of the world. I think it's getting easier. She said this morning with a lilt in her voice, "You get some really bizarre thoughts floating through your mind when you have only half a brain."
We gathered at Emmanuel for another amazing worship and prayer service. It was amazing because although only minimally planned, with the masterful direction of the Holy Spirit it flowed beautifully among worship, scriptures, prayer, exhortation, communion, and general crying out to God on behalf of His people. I am in awe and deeply intrigued by the Living God's ability to supply everything necessary for deeply moving, participatory worship from whoever happens to gather as the Body of Christ.
We compiled written notes people received during our three-day fast. The themes
are powerful and well-connected. There is a strong sense that this season of
affliction involves a spiritual battle being waged for the advancement of God's
kingdom into long-held enemy territory, particularly related to our church's
initiative to minister in the City of Compton. In Matthew 11:12, Jesus speaks of
the kingdom of heaven "forcefully advancing, and forceful men lay hold of it."
While the devil is pushing back against the kingdom's advance by attacking the
people of God, his pathetic defense will be overrun. In Matthew 16:18, Jesus
speaks of Peter's proclamation that He is the Christ as the foundation of the
church, "and the gates of hell will not overcome it."
Against that backdrop, we have the sense we are to love God and we are to love, encourage and care for each other. We are not to fear or despair. Other themes that emerged are confidence in God, trusting God, seeking God, God the healer, waiting on God, exalting God, praising God, hoping in God, remaining in God, having faith in God, having unity, surrender to God, contending in faith, persevering under trial, humility before God. More themes are repentance, worship, warfare, and God's provision. These themes are the basis for the next four days of continual prayer.
Fri 07/27/07
Susan and I went to UCLA Brain Mapping Center for a 10am functional MRI scan. Susan wore headphones and video goggles for interaction while they mapped her brain for areas of speech, motor control, memory, etc.
We went back to Long Beach at 1:45pm to meet with Dr Sonne about Susan's abdominal pain. Her liver, kidneys, and other internal organs look ok, which was my concern. We still don't know the cause of her pain, but it's diminished somewhat, she has no fever; and her blood work is fine.
On the way to UCLA on the 405 freeway near Culver City, we passed the Spanish-language Univision studio with its small forest of 10-12 large satellite dishes on a rooftop. They are arrayed in various directions to send and receive signals at a number of different points in the sky. There are so many dishes up there; I wonder how many communications satellites they're NOT able to access. I thought of my capacity to listen to God. How many "satellite dishes" have I installed on my rooftop? Do I have the sky covered to receive every signal God is sending? Have I learned to listen when he speaks? Am I paying enough attention? Or are my receivers pointed elsewhere to worthless noise?
As I lay on the floor to stretch next to the bed Friday night, our Jack Russell Terrier named Daisy lay faithfully at the foot of the bed just like she does every night. Since I was on the floor and accessible, Jesse the cat approached me. Daisy gave her a low growl. (They have established a working truce that is challenged by occasional skirmishes, mostly friendly. It helps Jesse that she outweighs the dog by about 5 pounds.) I called Jesse over to show her some attention and Daisy stood down the guard. If the alpha male (me, thank you) wants to entertain a vile species, will the dog prevent it?
I thought of the angels that two people have seen near Susan in their visions, and how they're probably always watching over us with unseen power on our behalf. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?" Psalm 91:11 says, "For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways." How many times has an angel raised his sword in my defense when a foul tempter comes my way – only to have me accept the offer to sin, invite evil to approach and spend a while with it? I realize our sovereignty is one way we are like God. For some reason, He allows us to make self-destructive decisions whenever we want to, I think because He wants us also to be free to give Him our hearts out of that same sovereignty. I wouldn't want to spend eternity with someone I forced to be there, either.
Sat 07/28/08
I woke up and reckoned with the idea that I don't know if my dearest loved one will be alive on this earth in 6 months. Then I realized that's true of everyone.
Thu 07/26/07
I received the Mayo Clinic pathology report faxed to my office – not good news. Susan's tumor is a malignant, grade IV glioblastoma, not the milder grade III oligodendroglioma. The tissue has unusual characteristics more commonly seen with the milder tumor, so it looks like oligodendroglioma. Dr Scheithauer at Mayo is the global expert in brain tumor pathology, so kudos to the LB Memorial staff for getting his opinion. I confirmed the report was sent to UCLA and I forwarded it to LBMMC Neurosurgeon Barry Ceverha also.
I spoke with Dr Nghiemphu, who recommends surgery within two weeks followed by simultaneous radiation and chemotherapy for this more rare and deadly tumor. Experimental clinical trials are usually available for Glioblastoma patients; but not for Susan since she had breast cancer last year – she would need to be cancer free for 3 years. We'll consult with Drs Liau (UCLA) and Ceverha (LBMMC) to decide who will operate.
To me, this is the perfect setup for God to do something miraculous. I believe in Him and His power. Lord, have mercy.
We had a 1pm appointment in Long Beach for Susan's abdominal CT scan. The nurse had difficulty getting a good vein for the contrast solution; but the scan finished quickly.
I truly was rattled by the Mayo Clinic pathology report that revealed Susan's tumor is a grade IV glioblastoma instead of the lesser oligodendroglioma. Several weeks ago, a doctor told me glioblastoma is a death sentence. Mind you, he's one of many gifted and experienced physicians who work in clinical practice focused on known conditions, standard treatments, and probable outcomes. They know more about specific areas of God's creation than I ever will, yet God seems so far removed from their clinical realm. I've had several times where fear or despair have come over me, and I've pushed them away. A time of worship on the 405 freeway brought my focus back to the Living God, God the Healer.
On our way to church for Oasis, I spoke with Susan about the Mayo report, she with her 10-12 inch incision on her scalp, her impaired vision, her vertigo, her muddled memory, and her numb right foot. We talked about the ominous report and uncertain outcome. She believes she will not die yet – that God has work and witnessing for her to do on this earth. And she is not afraid to die. We resolved again that we will not fear, we will not despair, and we will trust God for healing. We will wait on the Lord while we pursue every medical option available.
Oasis was amazing. The Holy Spirit was in charge. Bob & Chris Olson sang over the congregation, then Mitch VanderWal read scripture and we entered into prayers of praise together. I shared our perspective with those gathered, feeling awkward that as a leader of Oasis, so much attention was drawn to my wife while there were other cancer patients in the room who were more unnoticed. Oh well, this is where God has put us, on display. I shared Philippians 2:16-18 and Daniel 3:18. We had a time of deep, emotional worship, turning the focus from ourselves to God. Vicki shared how the Spirit led her to organize the prayer vigil. Ken spoke from the heart and prayed, followed by silent prayer, and more deep worship and prayer. As the night, concluded, Vicki was impressed to pray for healing of Susan's vision. A group of people rallied around with Melanie Gunsolus obediently ministering. When Sue opened her eyes, she was looking directly at Melanie, seeing beautiful eyes instead of just "shiny glass!" And she was seeing colors, not just shades of grey! Thank you, Lord!
Melanie was confident Sue would receive healing when the Holy Spirit came upon her and she felt a "transfer" go from her to Susan, similar to what she's experienced in the past with other healing. Pastor Ken watched our niece Alyssa's face as Susan was healed and described the happiest expression he's ever seen – a mixture of joy, wonder, and amazement. It was holy ground as faith became sight. Thank you, Lord!
Wed 07/25/07
Susan's dad and our friend Vicki joined Susan and me for an 8:30am meeting at UCLA with neuro-oncologist Leia Nghiemphu, one of Dr. Cloughesy's team. She said the MRIs show significant tumor mass remaining that would benefit from another surgery, and a good part of it appears accessible vs sensitive brain tissue.
An associate UCLA neurosurgeon, Dr Liau, uses a wake-sleep method to actually converse with the patient during brain surgery in order to identify and avoid damaging areas for speech, motor control, etc. This would follow a brain-mapping MRI for such orientation before surgery. Impressive.
Dr Nghiemphu will use the Mayo Clinic's pathology reports or do her own for an important test – if the tumor cells are of a particular kind and lack 2 specific chromosomes, radiation therapy could shrink the tumor prior to the 2nd surgery.
Next, we had a 1pm meeting at LB Memorial Radiation Oncology where Susan was fitted with a thermoplastic mask to hold her head securely in place for radiation treatments. The technicians also performed a contrasted CT scan that will be used to plan her therapy. A physicist will run computer models for the oncologist to eliminate trial & error adjustments before Susan ever has her first treatment. Also impressive.
Last, we visited Susan's primary care doctor, Marc Sonne to investigate the abdominal pain she's had for a week. He ordered a CT scan for Thu.
Meanwhile, Dr Julio Ibarra, director for pathology at LBMMC said he would fax me the Mayo Clinic results he had received. He took a personal interest in Susan's case while at breakfast two weeks ago with her brother Randy. "Coincidentally," Randy's company (Cleveland Golf) donates a portion of sales from women's golf clubs for cancer research, of whom Dr Ibarra is a beneficiary. Another blessed connection.
Mon 07/23/07
As we awoke in the early morning, Susan said, "I know I'm asking dumb questions, but who is your wife?" (You are.) "Of course I am. That's right. I'm your wife." I described our wedding photos on the wall and wondered what she was thinking. (Who did you think you were?) "I'm not sure who I am. It's all so bizarre."
Susan's birthday. She was served meals with the red birthday plate. She had a bowl of cut fruit with breakfast – apples, nectarines, bananas, green grapes and red grapes. We worked on naming each fruit as she touched and tasted it. She struggled repeatedly and commented how strange it is that she can't retain such basic information. She felt tired after breakfast.
Susan mentioned again that everything (the room, the sky) is constantly spinning. It makes her dizzy. With vertigo and obscured vision, no wonder she needs help to walk.
Today is Susan's birthday. We had dinner provided by a loving relative and were visited by my mom, my 100-year-old grandmother, and my brother Chris, whom we convinced to eat with us. We also had phone calls from our Pastor Ken and my high school friend Robbie Lyell. Later Bob & Chris Olson, Bob and Kristin Feenstra, and Sue's brother Randy dropped in. We enjoyed coffee and dessert with lively conversation. Susan and I remarked how satisfying it is to spend leisure time with friends and family – and a crisis forces us to do what we're usually too busy to do: make space for others.
Tue 07/24/07
A physical therapist visited our home to evaluate the environment for safety, to observe Susan doing several daily living activities, and lead her in some basic stretching and callisthenic exercises. Our friend Holly Weisenberger brought us lunch with her visit; and Dorothy Romberg sat with Susan while I went to the hospital to pick up some records and pre-admit Susan for radiation treatment. Sue continues to improve.
Dorothy stayed with Susan for several hours while I went to the hospital to pick up records and pre-admit Susan for radiation treatments. Our friend Melanie Gunsolus came by to visit and to pray. While they were in prayer, Melanie was in the Spirit and saw two angels attending Susan, one on either side. She's never seen angels before. They appeared to be male, they were huge, had large wings, and they quietly guarded Susan. Wow. God is up to something!
Sun 07/22/07
I kept Susan home from church to avoid over-exerting her since Fri night was pretty taxing. I helped her bathe after breakfast; and she enjoyed sitting in the patio once again.
Lexie brought her mom a snack of Cocoa Puffs cereal in the late morning. Susan thinks it's "the bomb." She doesn't remember having them before, and usually kept sweet cereals out of the house. "I do like these. What are they called again?" She drank the chocolate milk out of the bowl.
Our dear friend Vicki Gelberg has been led to organize a prayer vigil for Susan and others at our church who are dealing with cancer diagnosis and treatment. Her email to me reflects solid, biblical guidelines for seeking the Lord in this season. From Vicki:
I have been musing in my quiet moments with God about how to approach the words on my heart – "prayer vigil." Here are some of the themes He’s provided:- God is sovereign
- God provides
- God wants us to seek after Him and promises we will find Him
- God wants us to seek to know His heart
- God wants us to know and trust Him from the center of our beings, our hearts
- God wants us to work to approach Him in unity of spirit as well as unity of intention
- God wants us to trust Him outside of our own understanding
- God wants us to acknowledge and give way to His sovereign power
- God wants us to learn to truly GLORIFY HIM in all we do
Here was today's announcement at Emmanuel: As you know, Susan Buccowich, Jeff Nord and several other members of the body are afflicted by life altering or life threatening illness. As the body of Christ, we will respond to the counsel of God's Word and specifically, the words of Christ as we take a 10 day journey of prayer. Everyone at Emmanuel is invited to attend Oasis this Thursday night 7/26 at 7:00 as Mike Buccowich and Vicki Gelberg lead us to begin this journey – following God's call to prayer and fasting for healing within this body. Come and participate in this time for God's purposes.
We will model our prayer vigil on the Book of Esther for those in our church community who have been afflicted with life-threatening or life-altering illnesses. It will happen like this:
Thu 7/26 7pm Oasis @ ERC. Preparing. Gather to worship, pray, and prepare for a three-day fast, a unified approach to God that will precede our four-day prayer vigil.Fri 7/27 – Sun 7/29. Seeking. Individually fast and seek the power of the Holy Spirit and direction from the LORD God as to how we are to pray for those afflicted over the coming vigil.Sun 7/29 6pm @ ERC. Sensing. Gather to worship, pray, and discern the LORD's direction in any Word the LORD has provided. Mon 7/30 – Thu 8/2. Praying. Maintain a four-day, hour-to-hour vigil following in the steps as the LORD has disclosed.Thu 8/2 7pm Oasis @ ERC. Revealing. Gather to worship, pray, and share how the LORD has led.
I am grateful for the Holy Spirit's prompting, for Vicki's obedience, for our church leaders who are open to the power of God with purpose being displayed in our lives today, and for our community of believers who demonstrate their love with a "whatever it takes" commitment to one other. God is awesome.
On fasting:
Esther 4:15-16a Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king..."
Mark 9:26-29 The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up. After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer." [Some manuscripts say "prayer and fasting."]
The rule on fasting is there are no rules. It's about denying the flesh so you can pray better. For some it means giving up sweets or TV. For others, it means eating only breakfast (or lunch or dinner). Still others will not eat for three days, drinking only water or juice. Each method is personal; and the one who eats nothing is not better than the one who gives up sweets. Of course, you should avoid putting your health at risk and should be sensible in your approach.Also you should avoid the notion that fasting somehow controls the Living God. The purpose of a fast is to put a temporary limit on your consumption machine and create a space to focus acutely on God, to put off the flesh to listen. Hunger pangs are an excellent reminder to pray. Constant hunger becomes constant prayer.
Thu 07/19/07
Susan's procedure today to implant the IVC filter was successful, done under local anesthesia followed by a 4-hour lay-flat recovery. She's tired and sore, and went to sleep early. Her memory and vision are still affected; but she seems to get better oriented each day. We'll know tomorrow whether she'll be released.
Fri 07/20/07
After a full day of reading greeting cards together, having occupational therapy, visiting with our new friend and Susan's roommate Katie, and waiting to be released, Susan was discharged from the hospital. I consulted with a doctor, nurse, therapist and social worker about caring for her at home – the main thing is 24 hour supervision for her safety and continued medications for anti-inflammation, anti-seizure, or pain when needed.
When we arrived at home, Susan had no recollection of our house – the layout, the rooms; and she didn't recognize our dog and cat. Since her sight is limited, it was hard to discern our pets since they're both about the same size. She also kept confusing their names.
With a change of clothes, we went to Susan's parents' house for a family party to celebrate Susan's birthday and her parent's 50th wedding anniversary. The entire family was there, including Brian & Nancy and family from CO, and Randy & Dorothy and family – 27 in all. It was a great reunion.
We left early when Susan became fatigued and more confused. At home she remarked at home how she knew we had lived in our house a long time and how strange it is that she has no knowledge of it.
Sat 07/21/07
Susan feels like she was just born and needs to rediscover everything. I encourage her not to force it, but I'm pleased she's motivated. She's saddened that she can't distinguish colors (only shades of gray) and feels like the world has lost its vividness. She can see my eyes now, but not with clarity or color.
Lexie helped her mom bathe and dress. When I helped Susan brush her teeth, she hated the taste of her usual cinnamon toothpaste. "Ack – is this what I like?" The brain is a complicated organ.
Aside from some low back pain, Susan had a restful day and enjoyed relaxing outside in our patio. She has an ever-grateful attitude and apologizes continually that (she thinks) she's being a burden. I always remind her of our wedding promises to love each other for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others till death do us part. We're partners.
Sat 07/14/07
Susan continues neurological improvement, feeling more with it and acting more like Susan. Some facts are just not there, while other things come back amazingly. She was eating peas with dinner and finished my rhyme from long ago. I began, "I eat my peas with honey.” She continued, “I've done it all my life; they do taste kind of funny, but it keeps them on my knife." Pretty cool.
Sun 07/15/07
We had another family meeting with Dr. Ceverha, reviewing pre- and post-op MRIs. There's a lot of tumor left in her dominant left frontal lobe, across the corpus collossum and memory strip, and below the mid-line. Affected areas: speech, motor control, memory, personality. We are weighing risks of a second surgery for quantity of life vs the damage surgery may do to quality of life. Obviously, radiation and chemotherapy will be more effective on less tumor mass, but at what cost? Lord, have mercy.
Dr. Ceverha will refer me to a neuro-oncologist at UCLA named Dr. Cloughesy, whom he would see if it were his loved one. His opinion on radiation and chemotherapy for Susan will inform our decision about a 2nd surgery.
We grapple with the medical fact – Susan will die from this tumor. Surgery and treatment will delay and interrupt, but medically speaking, the tumor will eventually overtake her. Lord, have mercy.
I had a quiet evening visit with Susan alone. We talked, held and loved each other and prayed. I recounted events and discussed the seriousness of her tumor and prognosis. I spoke from Colossians 1 about the supremacy of Christ, that cancer has had power over her; but Jesus has power over cancer. I bound, cursed and rebuked cancer in Jesus' name, and commanded her body to devour cancer cells and restore memory and sight. I asked God to improve her vision over what it was before and that she would be able to see, understand, and administer healing of all kinds in others out of the healing she receives from God.
We thanked God for healing her. I am encouraged that Susan believes she will be healed and that this is not her time to die. She knows God has plans to use her as a witness and feels like she has more to live and do for the Lord. Thank you, Father!
Tue 07/17/07
Continued improvement with memory and strength – she's walking more with assistance. Susan really wants to come home for a more normal life.
A routine post-op ultrasound exam found a small blood clot in her thigh. It's not a big deal; but they'll watch it and administer aspirin and exercise. A stronger blood thinner will increase stroke risk.
Another God thing: Susan's brother Randy is marketing director for Cleveland Golf, which donates part of revenue from women's product sales for breast cancer research. Randy "coincidentally" had breakfast today with a pathologist from LBMMC who benefits from these gifts. Dr. Ibarra said he reviewed Susan's lab results along with the pathology team and now has a personal interest in her case. He'll order a duplicate set of slides to replace the sample sent to Mayo Clinic so we'll have it for our consultation at UCLA. He also had more stellar comments about Susan's neurosurgeon to add to our list.
Wed 07/18/07
Susan has had more improvement in memory, awareness and strength, and greater eagerness to be home. She's sort of frustrated in feeling like she's missed out on a lot; but I encourage her not to force it, that memory will continue to be restored.
To protect from the risk of pulmonary embolism from the blood clot, she'll have a procedure tomorrow to implant an IVC filter (in the inferior vena cava, a blood vessel below the heart). Hopefully, she'll be home by Friday.
More visions in prayer for my sister, Becky! She felt God's assurance that He has angels caring for her then saw Susan in her hospital bed with two angels at either side of her head and one at the foot, angled toward the door. They were calmly watching; there was no threat.
Becky saw me sitting in a chair, unaware that an angel had his hand on the top of my head, ministering to me. He moved to my side and removed a sheet of paper from his mouth that had been folded to about 1" square. I opened my mouth unaware and he placed it inside. Becky wondered about what she saw, then understood that God has put His words in my mouth from this angel messenger to be spoken without effort. Also, I am to continue speaking words of life over Susan. Thanks, Lord! I know this thing is not about feelings, but I'm feeling good.
Wed 07/11/07
Susan still unable to remember she had surgery or why, but now remembers she's at LBMMC.
We had a family meeting with Dr. Ceverha, who said lab results of tissue from surgery are likely a high-grade oligodendroglioma, a stage 3 tumor that is responsive to radiation and chemotherapy. The sample is being sent to the Mayo Clinic to confirm. We will meet with a neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai this week for his opinion.
Susan's memory is improving. She knows she's missing something, that there's activity going on that she's unaware of, and she knows it – but she can't connect things together. I encouraged her that these are normal feelings, that she's been through a lot; she's making progress and will continue to improve.
Visual impairment – unable to decipher items on bulletin board 12 feet away, unable to recognize large letters/numbers on a greeting card or identify colors of pink robe or blue bed pad.
Thu 07/12/07
We've been reading a devotional each night in Streams in the Desert, a gift from our dear friend Lisa Korver. Each one seems to be written just for us. The 7/12 theme is faith – the strongest trees are not found in the forested valleys under the protection of surrounding mountains. They're formed on the hilltops under the full force of wind and storms. In my one shot at life, I would rather be made strong in faith than stay comfortable and soft. Otherwise, why bother? God shows us His favor by giving us seasons of testing. Suffering is another precious gift that allows us to know Him as in no other way. I will never regret what has happened.
Fri 07/13/07
I was awakened at 3am for prayer and worship. Deep stuff. The term "purchase-living" came to me with Colossians 1:22-23, that we have been reconciled "by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation — if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel." The word "confidence" came with the image of the Lamb that was slain in Revelation 5, along with the image of the Passover lamb in Exodus 12:3 that required an act of faith for deliverance. A mystery: the work is done for us – with our involvement. I also compared "oligodendroglioma" vs "Jesus, name above all names." Like I said, 3am, deep stuff.
After a sobering meeting with a neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai, Randy Romberg, Vicki Gelberg and I wrestled with Susan's limited prognosis. Here is what I know:
- God is in all of this. It's on display; and many people are experiencing it with us. Something really good is coming.
- We are to speak words of life. I push back fear and despair when they approach.
- I resolve to stand with the three Hebrew men in Daniel 3 (above), trusting and believing God for Susan's healing amid the mystery of His sovereign will.
Sat 07/14/07
Susan continues neurological improvement, feeling more with it and acting more like Susan. Some facts are just not there, while other things come back amazingly. She was eating peas with dinner and finished my rhyme from long ago, "I eat my peas with honey, I've done it all my life; they do taste kind of funny, but it keeps them on my knife." Pretty cool.
Thu 07/05/07
Susan began a five-day stay in ICU. We celebrated some initial breakthroughs – she's speaking! She opened her eyes, she was alert, and she was able to have her breathing tube removed in the morning. I asked, "Do you have any pain?" (No). "They took that tumor out" (I have no idea what you're talking about).
We also discovered some initial setbacks – limited vision and impaired memory. Susan evidently had a stroke near the corneal artery (possibly with her seizure on the evening of July 3rd) that affects her right field of vision.
Fri 07/06/07
Even though on Day 2 after surgery Susan was making great physical progress, somehow death was near. With her memory deficit she did not know where she was, or why, and did not know the year or month. She could not remember our children or even that we had any. She expressed concern for me and what I must be suffering for her, which was encouraging.
Later, she said, "It's stubborn sometimes." (What is?) "Whatever needs to give up." (What needs to give up?) "The spirit or soul or whatever." Then she asked, "Who is asking me to give up my spirit?" (Who does it sound like?) "I don't know." (Ask Jesus to show you...Do you want to give up your spirit?) "I don't know..." (If you do, it's ok...) If it's her time to go to Heaven, I need to release her.
I had no idea what to expect next. A while later, when I described our kids to her, she prayed for them. She asked God would allow her to know them and who they are, to give them peace and to help them, to let them see her attributes, to give them wisdom and strength in all they do; to "bless and keep Mike and his family, to guard and protect them in the peace of Christ. Thank you for who they are and for what you will do in them." I wondered again if she was going to die soon.
In spite of her severely limited memory, not only is Susan "all there" spiritually, she's in a deeper place than before. Later she said, "Where's my scripture?" and was feeling around her bed. "Where did I put it?" (Just relax. I think it's hidden in your heart. What scripture are you looking for?) "The Lord is my Shepherd." We started saying Psalm 23 together. Then the woman who couldn't tell me the correct year recited the entire passage by herself. Wow.
Sat 07/07/07
Susan is still poorly oriented (doesn't know year, place, what happened; I reminded her about our children.) We read Mark 10:46-52 about Jesus healing a blind man named Bartamaeus. I prayed for removal of cancer, and restoration of memory and sight. Susan prayed, "Dear Jesus, thank you for your love and grace and thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your mercy. I ask you for your healing and mercy so I can be your witness of your love and grace, so I can be a witness for my children. Thank you for helping me and being with me. Amen."
Mon 07/09/07
Susan's attitude has been remarkable – thankful, upbeat, appreciative for everything.
Our sister-in-law Dorothy sat with Susan for several hours and visited. Susan talked about not having awareness of past or future, leaving her with what's most important – being here, now, with Dorothy. Pastor Harold Korver rejoiced to hear about it, because while most of us are weighed down by the past or worried about the future, Susan has the precious gift of "living in the now."
Wed 07/04/07 am
I arrived at about 12:30am to find her intubated on a ventilator and being moved for a CT scan on the way to the intensive care unit.
Sue's brother Randy came to ICU, and we waited as her vital signs and respirations stabilized, enabling her to have the breathing tube removed, a good thing. She really fought that tube.
She had more limited responsiveness over the following hours – eyes closed, no speech. We were thankful for a grasped hand and wiggled toes on demand. I slept in the ICU lobby for a couple of hours until 6am.
Susan had diminishing responsiveness throughout the day in spite of large doses of meds to reduce brain swelling. Her lethargy increased as she seemed to decline neurologically. Dr Ramin Javahery was the neurosurgeon on call who escalated her surgery from 7/10 to 7/5 pm, then to 7/5 am.
Wed 07/04/07 pm
I went home about 4:30pm to sleep while Sue's aunt Linda stayed by her bed. After an hour's sleep while ignoring the phone, I awoke to the doorbell and loud knocking. Our neighbors told me Sue would be going to surgery immediately and the doctors were waiting for me.
Susan was back on a ventilator when I arrived and was barely conscious. Aunt Linda, our kids, and niece Alyssa were there. I was troubled by Sue's appearance – she was out of it. I prayed for her and the surgeons then joined the family to wait.
Over the course of surgery, about 25 people joined us, waiting in the lobby and gathering to pray and worship in the hospital chapel, not to mention all who prayed wherever they were. That's the Body of Christ for you.
After only an hour and a half, the surgeons emerged with news that they appeared to have removed the majority of tumor while avoiding brain tissue; and Susan was in critical but stable condition. We all rejoiced.
I went back to sit with her in ICU until I went home about 11pm.
Mon 07/02/07
Susan had variable pain over the past few days. Saturday was tough; but she improved Sunday and Monday. We went to church and were surrounded by love and prayer on Sunday.
Tue 07/03/07
Preliminary lab results on Susan's biopsy indicate a stage 2 (early) astrocytoma, a term for a common type of brain tumor or glioma.
The worst day yet – pain in the morning, a 2 hour nap after breakfast, and pain with vomiting 2x by early afternoon. I called the doctor, who recommended we go to ER right away.
As I was helping Susan get out of the car near at the loading zone, I saw her eyes roll back as she slumped in my arms – she was dead weight, totally unresponsive. I thought she was dying, got scared, and kept telling her to hang on, not to leave me. I managed to call for a wheelchair and got her inside. She was barely awake, groggy and lethargic. She had extremely limited speech and was not able to hold my gaze for more than a few seconds. She could respond to verbal cues by squeezing a hand, lifting a leg, extending a foot, etc. Lots of writhing in pain. She was admitted to the neurological ward at about 10pm (same room, same bed as last week!).
I stayed with her as the nurses settled her into the unit for close observation and went home.
I arrived home at 12am and received a call from the hospital – Susan had a seizure and was unresponsive and placed on a ventilator. I rushed back.
