Tumor stable, clot still there

I was apprehensive about Susan’s MRI today. She’s been weighed down with confusion, weakness, fatigue, and other aspects of a neurological burden that had me prepared to discover her tumor had grown since last month’s scan. We are relieved and thankful her scan looked good today. Brain swelling is down in spite of lower doses of the steroid Decadron, the brain tumor has not grown, and the blood clot from January’s hemorrhage is still there. It’s the clot that’s chiefly causing her symptoms. It’s big, and it’s putting pressure on the top of her left frontal lobe. While much of the bleed is contained in the cavity where tumor was removed, a portion of it rests on top of brain tissue in an area that affects memory, speech, balance, and the initiation of tasks and movement. On the brighter side, the whole deal can make for some funny conversation. Tonight at dinner I noticed Susan’s empty bowl and said, “You finished all your fruit.” “Yep,” she said. “I ralphed ‘em down.” I’ve just always heard that word used when food moves the other way. Yesterday, Susan was still having a late nap when I got home from work. She actually was awake when I walked into our darkened room. I said, “What’s going on in here?” to brighten up the place. Who knows how long she had been quietly waiting. “I’m just lost in space,” she stated pleasantly. Some of her comments truly come from beyond the sun – and make me laugh.

Even though the bleed is a culprit that will be with her for a while since they normally take 3-6 months to absorb, we feel a weight lifted in knowing her tumor has not advanced. Statistically, it will be a matter of time for a grade IV GBM to grow again. That’s the reality. It’s just not yet – and that’s a relief. We are aware of God’s great and gracious hands leading, guiding and providing at every point of need we have. We have many right now. My prayers lately have moved from “God, give us strength” to “God, be our Strength.” Not just “God, give Susan healing” but “Be her Healer.” It's not so much wanting what He can do for us as it is wanting Him. I sense we’re more aware of Him in ordinary moments and wanting more of His presence. It’s a satisfying type of growth that prepares us for an eternity with Him. Yet knowing sin is “crouching at the door” and inevitably I will break fellowship with Him is also a reality. Perhaps I’ll remember to say not “Lord, give me grace” but “Lord, be my grace.”