More breathing room?

The past several weeks have provided more breathing room for Susan and me as we enjoyed an unforgettable 25th anniversary stay in Laguna Beach, more time without complications, and even a trip for her to Mammoth this week with family.  Our brief stay in Laguna offered pristine springtime weather, hours spent on the hotel balcony entranced by the seaside panorama, and a chance for Susan to have her feet in the sand again.  Our 9th floor room brought us eye-to-eye with seagulls and was a perfect perch to watch pods of dolphins, surfers, beach walkers, crashing waves, and even a couple of migrating gray whales.  An epic weekend would not be complete without a Jacuzzi bath for Susan (years since the last one) that rejuvenated her. 

The weeks since then found us resuming Susan’s blood draws leading up to next week’s UCLA oncology visit, gathering with some of my friends from high school, celebrating Good Friday and Easter with our church and our family, and getting Susan, Lexie and Adam away to Mammoth with the Rombergs.  Austin spent Easter vacation working on a mission trip to an American Indian community in Arizona.  Although the road trip was a bit taxing, Susan did well in Mammoth and had a pretty smooth week.  Lexie made me proud by taking great care of her mom and working hard to make sure she stayed safe.  I put in some longer hours and was able to focus on my work more than usual, although I missed everyone, Susan especially.  Even so, I can attest to the value of respite for the caregiver.  My time with her following our break finds me more relaxed and patient, armed with a deeper well of compassion and a better perspective than I had a week ago.  

But Susan hasn’t been doing well this weekend.  She’s tired, confused, and generally out of it.  She’s had several spells of nausea or vomiting at mealtime, so I’m on the alert for more signs of trouble.  She’s been headachy but has no fever.  After a couple of long naps yesterday, she seemed a bit better last night – yet the nausea returned this morning as we prepared for church.  I’m keeping her home to rest and will continue to watch her closely in case there’s more going on than just the effect of traveling and altitude.

Our Silver Anniversary naturally leads us to reflect on our lives as a couple and celebrate the gift of spending most of our years on earth with each other.  It’s a unique experience.  Spending a lifetime as husband and wife is different than being with a friend, companion, parent, or sibling.  Why?  Each of these relationships has a certain level of familiarity, compatibility, trust, and common interest that creates a bond deeper than a casual acquaintance.  But marriage goes deeper still, involving a level of physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy unlike any other relationship.  In the most significant way, it satisfies our human desire to know and be known.  This is what God had in mind for us and is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 10:7-8, “’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'  So they are no longer two, but one.”  This is the gift Susan and I have enjoyed so far for 25 years.

I’ve said before that Susan is probably the most gracious patient on the planet.  She has needs but does not make demands.  She hates the thought of being a burden and apologizes when she feels she imposes on others – which is frequently.  Her attitude compels her to try to do as much as she’s capable of doing and just makes it easy to care for her.  Her positive outlook prevails.  She’s confident today is better than yesterday, tomorrow will be better still, and God will fix what’s wrong either while she’s alive on Earth or when she’s with him in Heaven.  

Yesterday when I told her I love her like crazy, she said she’s not sure why since she’s not able to do anything.  She said she can’t love me very well.  I assured her our love is not about doing, and that she loves me perfectly.  I know and feel her care for me in whatever way she expresses it.  But more than that, just her being with me becomes our unity and is itself the expression of our love.