God's faithfulness

A few weeks ago I stood near Susan’s grave, and looking down at the browned, uneven sod outlining her plot, I found myself talking to her. I never thought I’d be one of those people who do that. I know she’s not there, just the body she left behind. Still, I spoke quietly for a few minutes, as though she needed to know what’s been going on, how the kids and I are doing, how much we miss her, all that stuff. I cried a bit and knew I was speaking for me and not for her.

The emptiness of losing someone so close to you is hollower than I thought it would be. It’s not just emptiness, which is deep, it’s persistent emptiness, which is also permanent. There’s no shaking off the reality that Susan isn’t here anymore. It’s tempting to nurture a desire for her to return, but there’s no sense in it – just more emptiness, plus unfulfilled longing. So that’s a door to close. That’s how it is. I know it will get easier in time; but I do miss Susan. And that’s how it is.

All the while, God’s faithfulness prevails. I think scarcely a day has passed for six weeks without at least one card arriving in the mail to encourage and cheer us. All of them stacked would reach about a foot tall. A loving group of friends still provides dinner weekly; and a relative of Adam’s girlfriend just gave him a 1985 Thunderbird with 50k miles. Is it crazier that there’s a 1985 anything with 50k miles, or that someone gave it to Adam? We’ve received such amazing generosity. Meanwhile, the UCLA Foundation has received over $1500 in donations in Susan’s honor to support brain tumor research. Those are lasting and meaningful gifts.

In Psalm 77, Asaph cried out to God from the anguish of his situation, but leaning in to trust him, he said, “My heart mused and my spirit inquired.” Then Asaph remembered the goodness of the Lord and certainty of his promises to be loving, compassionate, and merciful. Next, in Psalm 78, he considers his stubborn and rebellious forefathers “whose hearts were not loyal to God, whose spirits were not faithful to him.”

I’m becoming more aware of my utter need for God. I agree with the hymn writer: “Just as I am, without one plea – but that your blood was shed for me, and that you bid me come to thee. O Lamb of God, I come. I come.” I’m aware of the Lord’s hand of grace on us as he guides me and our family. I pray I will have a loyal heart and a faithful spirit that can be of use to him somehow. I pray he will reveal his specific will for us in this new chapter of our lives.