More infection, persistent weakness

This is a rare Sunday morning when Susan and I stayed home from church. She has headache and abdominal pain and needs to rest. Days like this seem to come and go more frequently and interrupt Susan’s otherwise cheerful spirit and initiative. Her funk was more intense a week ago on Saturday when I became convinced infection had returned. I spoke to Dr Leia about Susan’s confusion, weakness, and pain (but no fever), so she prescribed another round of oral antibiotics and suggested we get some labs done in a few days. We still had some Cipromycin on hand from last time and were able to get her started without having a prescription filled. By Tuesday, Susan’s response was mixed – improved memory strength, and mental status, but with periodic slumps in each area. On Wednesday, Dr Leia ordered labs for blood and urine and extended the Cipro course to seven days. The lab results showed slight infection, a reasonable fact since five days of antibiotics knocked it down some. Right now we’re stumped about her persistent symptoms and realize there are several factors at work, as always, like the effects of her hemorrhage, infection, or possible tumor progression. We’ll know more about all of it this week when we go back to UCLA for more labs, an MRI, and a visit with Dr Leia.

Tomorrow will be our 24th wedding anniversary. We got married in 1985 between the winter and spring quarters during my first year after transferring to UCLA. I was sort of an oddball student since I commuted to campus from Bellflower, wasn’t involved in activities there, and was married by my 22nd birthday. After I had proposed to Susan in 1984 (at Tommy’s in LA so she wouldn’t expect it), we didn’t want to wait until summer of 1985 to get married, so UCLA’s calendar determined the date – Saturday, March 23, 1985. I rushed out of my last final exam on Friday to make it to our wedding rehearsal that evening. I think I got a “C” on that one and felt satisfied I had a good excuse in having my thoughts on bigger things.

As I said to Susan the other day, twenty-four years is almost a long time. Next year will be our Silver Wedding Anniversary, which is a year later than almost a long time. In late 2007, someone generously and anonymously gave us a gift certificate to stay at the Surf & Sand Hotel in Laguna Beach, a perfect thing to bank for a special occasion like our 25th. But since one of us has a malignant brain tumor, shouldn’t we use it now? You know, “carpe diem,” and all of that? We decided to wait and have something to look forward to. She’s made it this long.

The Word of God is so much my food for life. I need it for guidance, strength, counsel, and to slap me out of foolish thinking. During this season of Susan’s illness, we’ve had our lives emptied of things we thought were important and even indispensable. With life becoming more basic and undistracted, I realize how temporary we are, how small our efforts can be, how quickly we exhaust our strength, and how little we truly understand. This truth came alive recently as I read and rested in Isaiah 40, a passage that has great importance for me. In huge contrast to our lot, verse 28 says,

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the
everlasting God, creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or
weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.”

Wow. My life is but a breath on this planet – but he’s the everlasting God. I can produce nothing that will last, really – but He’s the creator of the ends of the earth. I’m often wiped out by 9pm – but he will not grow tired or weary. I don’t know what our cancer journey means, why it’s happening, or how it will turn out. But I am getting to know God better. His goodness is overwhelming, and His understanding no one can work out, think through, or comprehend.