Desperate to see Jesus

Now in her 10^th week of hospice care, Susan’s trend continues with noticeable decline over the weeks yet little change from day to day. She usually manages to have one daily meal while we do our best to keep her hydrated. Her verbal interactions are small and infrequent. She still smiles easily when she’s awake and lucid; but sadly, those days are fewer. She’s been less responsive since the weekend.

We recently received an amazing gift. Our friend Joyce Wybenga delivered a DVD from a church service around 2002 when Susan shared her experience from Joyce’s Companions group that focused on listening to God. It’s amazing on several levels.

The video recalls a time of young kids, busy schedules and certainly no inkling of Susan’s brain tumor. It’s deeply moving to see and hear her again in the prime of life. She appears animated in a way otherwise entrusted to memory and displays the energy, humor and emotion that are so familiar to knowing her. It’s a precious gift and a great comfort to see that Susan again.

But what she says is more remarkable. Susan relates an instance with the story of Zacchaeus, who wanted to see Jesus but could not because of the crowd. She shares how meditating on the Word in Luke 19 ushered in a new experience with God for her. She confesses that she either had been too distracted by the crowd in her life to see Jesus or too reliant on her own efforts, but that she yielded to God that night in Companions. She shares how it changed her.

I remember that event and the season which followed, and how God took hold of Susan’s heart and secured it in his own. It was a time when she moved from a position of striving to one of receiving. She caught God’s love for her in a series of powerful, cleansing experiences, like waves washing over her. As she yielded to him, she let go of stuff inside and received healing. No longer content with doing, she found fulfillment in being with God and surrendering to his will, which transformed her. Susan saw God and his love for her in a new and truer way, which changed how she saw herself.

I remember how it changed her worship. I’d see her in church next to the kids from my perch with the worship team, her arms splayed out like if they could go further, they would. Sometimes I wouldn’t see her at all because she’d be on her knees. I loved seeing her surrender in worship and how it inspired me.

I remember times past when I’d be serving in music ministry or church leadership and growing spiritually, maybe more or differently than Susan was at the time. She’d feel left out and a bit frustrated. During this season though, she was growing, almost slingshotting forward. It was exciting for both of us.

For a long time, Susan had wanted to see Jesus just like Zacchaeus, but couldn’t because of the crowd. God used that passage to call her out, to lead her away from the crowd so he could speak tenderly to her and bless her. That’s what she shares in the video, so we see a transformed woman speak with eloquence and emotion about how God’s love changed her and how she surrenders to him every day.

I’d have been happy for five minutes of Susan reading a grocery list on video in 2002, so this is an over-the-top gift. It’s her, complete and fulfilled, sharing from her heart about real and meaningful truths in her life. I wasn’t able to produce a clip of it for this post, but you get the idea. Sometime later I hope you can see the visual evidence of someone completely captivated by God’s love.

It may seem awkward if not impossible to connect that vibrant Susan to the one in her hospice bed. I know I can’t neatly tie a cause and effect together here or explain God’s purposes in it. Neither can you. We can explain the person and ways of the King of Heaven to a point; but beyond that point, we can’t. God is so much mystery, and that’s good. Perhaps we’re learning to live with it and simply to trust that the One who loves us so well will work it all out.