Sometimes I don’t know why I write these intensely personal things my wife and are experiencing. I guess it’s just real life. It’s partly therapeutic for me, and for some reason, partly an obligation to make and share an account of it. I don’t want to betray Susan’s modesty, and I don’t believe I’m dishonoring her by including the context of her remarks. But she said some amazing things today that once again illuminate the darkness of her mental confinement. She can’t express exactly how she’s witnessing her world right now. I’m always trying to encourage, to play, to joke around. I’m relentless that way. Even so, her thoughts today alarmed me. As I wonder about their meaning, I hope her words merely express the level of disconnect she presently feels from the rest of the world and have no other momentum.
2pm. Susan was in the bathroom. Are you done? (If I’m done does that mean I’m dead? No, it doesn’t, does it?) Why did you ask that? (I’m just trying to understand this existence).
5pm. Susan was waking up. Come on, Susan, time to get up. It’s time to go potty. Potty like a rock – potty like a rock star…I want to rock n roll all night and potty every day…It’s my potty and I’ll cry if I want to…I went to a garden potty... (Everyone knew my name.) Hey, that’s right. You know the lyrics better than I do. (Then they must all be dead if they knew my name.) What do you mean? (They must all be dead because I’m dead, aren’t I?)
7pm. We were talking before dinner. Susan, are you sad? (Yes, a little.) What’s making you feel sad? (All the things I have to think about while I’m processing what’s going on.) What things are you thinking about that are making you sad? …are you thinking about the kids? (Yes.) What are you thinking about the kids that makes you sad? (The decisions they’re going to have to make.) Are you concerned you won’t be there when they make those decisions? (I guess so.) What else? …You said you’re sad from all the things you have to think about while you’re processing what’s going on. What else is making you sad? (The things I might have to go through.) Yeah, I can see why that would make you sad. Those are things we don’t have any control over, aren’t they? (Yeah.) Are you afraid to die? (No.) But you’re afraid of what might happen to you before then? (Yeah, a little.) I understand. Do you trust God? (Yes.) With God there’s always hope, isn’t there? (Yeah.) It’s okay to be sad, too, but we just don’t stay sad forever.
1 comment:
Dear Mike and Susan,
I just learned of your situation yesterday. I am deeply saddened. You too will be on my mind and in my prayers.
May God's presence and grace be with you during this difficult time.
Richard Chavarria
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